Are We Really Listening?

“Listening is an art that requires attention over talent, spirit over ego, others over self.” — Dean Jackson. I love this quote because it captures something we often overlook: truly listening is not simply hearing the words someone is saying. It is giving someone the gift of our attention. Active, selfless listening is one of the most important parts of meaningful communication; it requires us to put our ego aside and make the person speaking the focus of the moment. We often think we are listening when, in reality, we are preparing our response. While someone is talking, we may already be thinking about what we want to say next, how we are going to defend ourselves, how we can prove them wrong, or how their story reminds us of something that happened to us. But if we are busy preparing our response, are we really listening?

Philippians 2:3–4 reminds us: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves. Everyone should look not to his own interests, but rather to the interests of others.” Imagine applying that Scripture to our conversations. What if listening became one of the ways we practiced humility? Instead of asking, “How can I respond?” we ask, “What is this person trying to tell me?” Instead of waiting for our turn to speak, we make room for someone else’s voice. Instead of bringing the conversation back to ourselves, we stay curious about their experience, and instead of listening simply to respond, we listen to understand. When we take an honest look at our conversations, we may realize how often our ego quietly gets in the way: we compare, offer solutions before someone has finished explaining, we redirect the conversation toward our own, and we assume we know what someone means before they have finished speaking; and even when our intentions are good, the other person can walk away feeling unheard, dismissed, or unimportant.

There is another obstacle we cannot ignore: our phones. It is difficult to communicate, connect, and read another person’s heart when our attention is divided between the person in front of us and a screen. There was a time when conversations meant looking into someone’s eyes, noticing their expressions, hearing the pauses in their voice, and recognizing the body language that accompanied their words. Today, we can be sitting inches away from someone and still be somewhere else entirely. So perhaps this week, we can practice listening differently.

10 WAYS TO BECOME A BETTER LISTENER

1. BE PRESENT — Put down the phone, step away from distractions, make eye contact, and give the person in front of you your full attention.

2. LISTEN WITHOUT REHEARSING YOUR RESPONSE — Resist the temptation to formulate your answer, defense, or comeback while the other person is still speaking.

3. LET THEM FINISH — Don’t interrupt, complete their sentences, or assume you already know where they’re going; give them the space to express their complete thought.

4. LISTEN FOR UNDERSTANDING — Instead of immediately agreeing, disagreeing, fixing, or advising, focus first on understanding what the person is actually trying to communicate.

5. ASK, DON’T ASSUME — If something isn’t clear, ask thoughtful questions such as, “Can you tell me more about that?” or “What did that feel like for you?”

6. PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT ISN’T BEING SAID — Notice tone, facial expressions, pauses, posture, and other nonverbal cues; sometimes what someone doesn’t say speaks volumes.

7. MAKE ROOM FOR THEIR EMOTIONS — You don’t always have to fix someone’s problem; sometimes people simply need someone willing to sit with them, listen, and acknowledge what they are feeling.

8. CHECK YOUR EGO — Ask yourself, “Am I listening because I care about understanding this person, or am I listening because I want to be heard?”

9. RESPOND WITH EMPATHY AND RESPECT — You can disagree with someone without dismissing them; respond in a way that honors their dignity, even when your perspective is different.

10. PRACTICE THE PAUSE — Before responding, take a moment to process what you heard; sometimes the most thoughtful response begins with simply saying, “I understand. Thank you for sharing that with me.”

Good listening is not something we master after reading a list of steps. It is a habit we develop through consistency, humility, and practice. This week, I invite you to try something simple:

Put down your phone, look up, make eye contact, listen without preparing your response, ask one more question, and give someone the feeling of being truly heard. Because sometimes the greatest gift we can give another person isn’t advice, an answer, or a solution; it is our undivided attention.